Live.to.the.point.of.tears

Is it weird that I’m in love with my new organic...

May 2nd

I can't make this shit up.

Me: I'm having a static electricity issue with my dress this morning.
Coworker Dave the Graphic Designer: That happened to me. Where was I? I was in hell. I was at WalMart. I needed a drink of water. You get claustorphobic in there. I walked down a hallway and there was some kind of electrical storm. My hair was standing on end. I have thin hair. I have Fraggle hair.

May 1st

“There are only two types of women — goddesses and...”
— Pable Picasso (one of my...

May 1st

Thing that is incredibly annoying #347

Me: Hey Robin, it's me, I just wanted to warn you that the dog walker is coming over right now, so you should put some clothes on and-
Voicemail: If you are satisfied with your message and would like to send it now, please press 1. If you'd like to erase this message and re-record, please press 2.
Me: F!

May 1st

“When life gives you lemons, just say ‘fuck the...”
— Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Apr 29th

Apr 28th

If you were a fly on the wall: Dinner at...

Me: I'd like the Mango Martini please.
Pretentious Nobu Waiter: Do you like mango?
Me: Yes ... why?
Pretentious Nobu Waiter: It has mango puree in it.
Me: (Blank stare)

Apr 28th

Horrid Dinner Companion #1: I'll have a Grey Goose L'Orange and soda with several lemon slices.
Waiter: We only have Stoli O.
Horrid Dinner Companion #1: I won't have anything then.

Apr 28th

Waiter: Can I start you with an appetizer, perhaps the roasted mini corn?
Horrid Dinner Companion #1: Is it fried?
Waiter: No.
Horrid Dinner Companion #2: (While wearing a bra and tube top made of fishnet ...) Is it made with butter? We don't eat butter.
Horrid Dinner Companion #1: Or anything fried.
Waiter: It's roasted. And it's not made with butter.
Horrid Dinner Companion #2: So what is it then?
Waiter: It's mini corn. Roasted mini corn. It's delicious, I highly recommend it.
Horrid Dinner Companion #1: No, we don't want it.
Horrid Dinner Companion #2: I just want field greens with some chicken on the side. Just bring me that.
Waiter: (I want to die.) Sure.

Apr 28th

Horrid Dinner Companion Wearing the Net Shirt: This salad has dressing. I didn't want dressing.
Waiter: (Dejected and growing disillusioned with life.) Oh sorry. I'll take it back.
Horrid Dinner Companion Wearing the Net Shirt: Forget it. Just leave it here.
Waiter: Are you sure?
Horrid Dinner Companion Wearing the Net Shirt: Yea, I just won't eat it.
Me: I'll have another cocktail actually.

Apr 28th

An F-you from nature.

I am currently working on a new book — everything a boy needs to know. (Well, more like everything a...

Apr 24th

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember...”
— Mark Twain

Apr 24th

Pet peeve. No pun intended.

I hate it when people name their dogs people names. I have a friend whose childhood dog was named...

Apr 22nd

“love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window and you...”
— ani difranco

Apr 19th

My tumblr wants a hedgehog.

Apr 18th

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when...”
— Hemingway, again

Apr 18th

“Let me describe Monty’s amazing sexual prowess....”
— Waiting (see this movie, quote...

Apr 16th

I just ...

… ate my weight in yogurt pretzels.

Apr 16th

A photo that makes me smile. Pups in the grass.

Apr 15th

A bad surprise.

I had this lump in my right breast — actually I’ve had it for a few years. It started out like...

Apr 15th

So cool.

Apr 15th

One of the most profound talents in the world and the only...

Apr 15th

“Prose is architecture, not interior decoration, and the...”
— Hemingway (master of the...

Apr 15th

It's Friday night.

Robin and I are having a much-needed cleaning/wine night, emphasis on wine.

Apr 12th

Our dust bunnies are no joke.

Apr 12th

In the news: Polygamists in Texas got busted. Don’t...

Apr 12th

“Well I’m glad you asked. Since we’re all going...”
— Accepted

Apr 12th

My actual fortune.

Apr 10th

A good night's sleep ... and tomorrow...

[i am homesick. how do the pieces fit now that people and miles and memories came in between now...

Apr 10th

I am having a sad day.

I am messing with my layout, clearly. Light yellow and light purple make me feel better. A little. ...

Apr 9th

“There are always two choices, two paths to take. One is...”
— Unknown (I like this quote...

Apr 7th

Taxes, or a sharp stick in the eye? Give...

I had to mail my taxes today. Somehow I owe to both the state of Arizona and California. Taxes...

Apr 7th

Sam wants to sit on the end table, and everyone knows, Sam...

Apr 7th

Busted. My best disapproving look.

Apr 7th

“Great humility fills me / Great purity fills me / Tears pour...”
— Anna Swir, translated from...

Apr 4th

Sam is amazing.

Sam came into my life August 2006. I saw her through a window, back behind the other dog kennels, so...

Apr 4th

Meet Sam. She’s Hungarian.

Apr 4th

People say the darndest things.

15-Year-Old Boy (as Sheri, Robin and I ice skate past): Ohmygeezy!

Apr 3rd

Me: I need an adjective.
Coworker: Dive.
Me: No, an adjective, a descriptive word.
Coworker: Diving.
Me: Nevermind.

Apr 3rd

Girl1: So did you know today [Saturday] is St. Patrick's Day?
Girl2: No, it's Monday.
Girl1: Actually it's today. The Pope changed it.
Girl2: Can he do that?
Girl1 (shrugs): George Bush changed Daylight Savings Time.

Apr 3rd

Dave: My grandma gave me her rosemary beads.

Apr 3rd

Dude Eating at Zanzibar: That's not your everyday STD ...

Apr 3rd

Guy at The Ivy: Have you ever had your palm read?
Robin: Um ... no ...
Me: Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Apr 3rd

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not;...”
— Epicurus

Apr 3rd

A new pic of me and Robin. She likes to bake.

Apr 3rd

also ...

Atheists, I defy you to try this Butterfinger ice cream I just ate and continue to question the...

Apr 2nd

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves...”
— Proust

Apr 1st

April Fools?

Today a light in my car came on, a bright orange exclamation point inside a circle. So naturally I...

Apr 1st