22nd
I never was a girl who thought of a wedding. For years and years I thought love was enough, companionship was enough. My parents never planned to get married, but then one day they did, and I imagined it would be like for me too, it would happen how it would happen. Then I got older, I fell in love with someone. I rethought weddings and realized why people had them; they had them to take love to the next plain of commitment. They had them to become a family. Now, I spend a lot of time on wedding blogs for my job and I get to see hundreds of strangers’ weddings, the small moments that change everything, the look on a man’s face when he sees his wife for the first time and he just comes apart with happiness. So now I believe in weddings and being married, because I think lifelong love is more than just waking up together, more than just saying the words, more than just cohabitating.
Last night we got on the topic. A friend of mine got engaged and I said I thought she shouldn’t have and I asked him if he wanted to get married and he said, “I doubt it. I wouldn’t bet on it. I would bet against it.” Carefully, I said, “What if the person you loved wanted to get married” and he said, briskly, “That wouldn’t be the person for me.” “Why?” I wanted to know. And he said what everyone says: “I have so few good examples of marriages in my life.” “Don’t you think that’s because the two people weren’t a good fit, not because of the nature of being married?” I asked, and he looked at me stone-faced. “I don’t see the benefit. That’s how I am, love it or hate it.” We ate pizza, I started a bottle of wine. He said, “What about you? You want to get married, obviously.” I felt like I had to defend myself, like I had to jump to say, Wait, no, I don’t know! I wanted to be the easygoing girl, to say, I don’t care, it doesn’t matter, you’re such a good complement to me, look how much fun we’re having. I said, “I want to have the option.”
He is different from anyone I have been with. He is all practicality and logic. No stars in his eyes. What he does shows exactly how he feels. He never says a thing he doesn’t mean. His guard keeps mine up, which feels safe and smart. I keep watching to see what will happen, so curious, like studying a bug in a jar.
But what about the hope, I wanted to say. The champagne and the hope.
